We’ve all heard of the infamous TV show that has given dance parents the world over a bad name. But what is it really like being a dance parent? What is it like for teachers aiming to keep peace and contentment among these parents? How can the two sides begin to see eye to eye and coexist peacefully?
One thing we should ALL know is that the TV show Dance Moms is not reality – or at least I will assure – not normal. As with all reality TV shows, a lot of it is scripted or at least staged and obviously there wouldn’t be a show in question if they were attempting to be civil and mature. The show should not give any parents or teachers a feeling of entitlement or become a gauge for what assume they are “allowed” to get away with. Let’s just all agree to use it as a poor example, and carry on our merry way trying our best to prove it’s inaccuracy.
As a teacher of 14 years, I have been VERY fortunate to have only dealt with a small handful of situations where a parent and I have had a “run in”. Literally, I think I could count them on less than one hand. (Fellow teachers, I know you are jealous!) 😉 The studios at which I have been privileged to teach have not attracted “that type” of parent; and have usually nipped any sparks in the bud before they became an explosion. In fact, the current group of parents with whom I work are completely phenomenal – each one goes above and beyond to adjust and cooperate and help out to make our studio great. This is why I can say from experience, “Dance Moms” is certainly not the norm!
All that said, between my own few past experiences and those of dozens of teachers with whom I’ve discussed this topic nationwide, I have compiled this list of helpful reminders for parents. The things teachers wish they could explain to the outlier “difficult parents”. It’s a touchy subject, but I’m not afraid… bring on the moms! ;-P
In order for us to keep the peace and work toward the best parent/teacher relationship possible, I will address both sides with some thoughts and experiences in a two-part blog post. As a teacher AND a dance mom (ok, she’s only in combo 1… but still!) I feel like I can speak from both angles to help smooth things out! Tonight will address the parents. But moms and dads, don’t you worry – part two, addressing teachers, will follow shortly behind!
A guide for parents:
1. Please be mindful that your dancer, as beautiful and special and talented as he or she is, is not the only dancer at your studio. The average dance studio has between 100-300+ students that all need a portion of our time, care and attention. This reminder implies that:
a. We cannot make everyone happy. Most teachers really do try – but at the end of the day, we have to make decisions based upon what will be best for the studio at large, the majority of the students, and take us all in a direction that achieves our long-term vision. Please do not get upset because a decision was made that does not directly benefit your dancer. I assure you that there will be many other times that you will benefit and another dancer may be in the minority. Over time it evens out and rest assured, all good teachers are doing their best, no matter how impossible, to keep everyone happy.
b. Your dancer may not get individualized attention/praise in every class. It’s a numbers/time principle. If your dancer is getting ignored every class week after week- bring it up as a concern in a private email and see what can be done to help her get more instruction.
c. Teachers cannot work around everyone’s personal schedule. This should be obvious, but it still comes up a lot. If your dancer is committing to a performance company or competition team, there will be a SUBSTANTIAL time commitment. Your teacher should do their best to get schedules out in a timely manner and keep the schedule reasonable and consistent; but they simply cannot work around multiple dancer’s needs. Please do not ask to be an exception to the schedule unless it is truly an exceptional case. Otherwise, save headaches by asking about scheduling conflicts well in advance. That way you have a better chance of your teacher being able to work around it.
d. Your dancer should not expect more than his or her fair share of studio time/private lessons/seamstress work/guest choreography, etc. Even if you are willing to pay every fee for these extras, there are limitations to what a studio can provide you. Remember, there are 100-300+ other dancers. There are a limited amount of studios, teacher time slots, seamstress availability, guest choreography time. Please be realistic and remember that you may not be able to get everything you want.
2. Your teachers (though most of us sincerely wish we could,) cannot work for free. Please do not expect or ask for numerous favors. Please understand that we only get paid for a tiny portion of what we actually do. I don’t know any teacher getting paid for the hours researching techniques, choreography and dance history; preparing lessons, progressions and combos prior to class; brainstorming concepts and choreographing pieces; searching for, selecting and editing music; designing or selecting costumes and working with a seamstress; and the list goes on and on. We get paid for the actual time we spend teaching class. Please do your part to pay what you sign up for. We truthfully aren’t trying to become rich! We just have to pay our heating bill. 😉
3. Please try to be mindful that teachers too have a need for a private life. I know that most of us love you, your dancers and our jobs more than is actually healthy. However, we are also people with families, friends, and non-dance priorities. Please be conscientious about what time you call or text. Is it right during family dinner? Date night? After bedtime? In the middle of the bloomin’ night? (Yes, it’s happened to every teacher once or twice…) I always say, email is best – unless either A. It’s a true emergency, B. Your teacher has expressed he/she prefers texts or calls, or C. It’s a quick “When does rehearsal end tonight” sent between 9am-8pm. 🙂 An email is a nice way to say “I need a question answered, but go ahead and answer it when you have a free moment”. Another option is to email to ask “When can I come in and talk to you about [fill in the blank] in person?” It’s common courtesy, and it shows that you have respect for your teacher’s private life. I promise, they will appreciate that!
4. Teachers are certainly not perfect. We make mistakes like any other human! If you have an issue of any kind, please help us by doing a few things: First, in some circumstances it’s best to let things simmer over night. Something that may seem atrocious at 10pm, may seem a little less so in the morning. It may still need addressing at that point, but you will probably be able to get through the confrontation in a more reasonable manner after a good night’s sleep. You don’t want to call in the heat of passion and say something you will regret later. Next, please consider the situation from all angles. Like I said before, your dancer is not the only one a teacher is trying to help and please. Put yourself in his/her dancing shoes and try to understand the climate before you get angry. And finally – referring back to #3 above – please consider the “WHAT/WHEN/WHERE/WHO” rule. Carefully articulate WHAT is bothering you in clear terms. Discuss beforehand a TIME and PLACE to meet to discuss the issue. And, possibly most important, carefully consider WHO to involve in the issue. (Usually the rule of thumb on that one is – the less you involve the better!)
5. I would venture to say, one of the most common parent-teacher issues arises when a dancer is not cast/chosen for a dance and/or is not made the “star”/soloist/front-row-dancer. This is always a tough pill to swallow, and I can say from my experience as a mom, all of us want our child to shine! However, first stop to ask yourself – is it best to call the teacher and complain that you believe they made the wrong choice? What will the repercussions be? In my experience, it usually doesn’t help anyone in the situation. I totally understand the mommy bear instinct. When my son was placed on the bench for football I wanted to scream and cry and kick the coach where it counts. But the more I thought about it – I realized that all of those things would detriment me AND MY SON (and, let’s face it – his coach) more than help us. I strongly believe that it is important for children to learn to accept and work through disappointments. *Soapbox time* The rising generation, generally speaking, is one bathed in entitlement. One that gets bailed out of mistakes and expects preferential treatment. This is not a good thing. Watching my boy on the bench cheering on his teammates and working hard to become better each practice was inspiring to me. And guess what – he started playing more and more each game, and the coach didn’t end up resenting me (or kicking us off the team altogether) for giving in to my motherly instincts! Just be there for them – hug them, wipe their tears, affirm how amazing you know they are, and watch them grow and become stronger. Disappointment happens. Help them deal with it in a mature and classy way.
6. Let your dancer be responsible. Don’t hover. Don’t immediately bail him or her out of a mistake. Especially older teens – start allowing them to set up their own private lessons, possibly even *gasp* pay for some of their training with their own money if circumstances allow. Let them do their own hair, makeup, and costume packing. This will only help prepare them as they enter the professional world!
7. But OF COURSE still re-check their costume checklist before a performance. What do you think I am, crazy?! Just do it when they’re not looking. 😉
8. Rounding our list off with possibly the most important word of advice: TRUST your teachers. You chose your studio and the teachers therein for various reasons. You need to let go and know that your dancer’s teachers are going to do the best they can to help your dancer reach his or her goals. You may not understand every decision or technique that each teacher uses, but you must be willing to accept that most teachers really do know a thing or two. 😉 Give them your confidence. You will be amazed at how much more your dancer will receive from a teacher who knows they have your trust and respect.
Well, there you have it! Ultimately, both sides have to compromise, cooperate, bend and promenade to make the relationship work. Stay tuned for the follow up: Part Two: 8 Things Parents Wish They Could Tell Teachers. Oooooh, this is gonna be good!
Dance on,
Bree
Great advice and encouraging words for moms and dancers!
Great post Bree! I can’t wait to read “the other side”. First and foremost, thank you for addressing the “Dance Mom” stigma. I have “Dance Mom” friends from a variety of studios in our area and they are wonderful women supporting their children in what they love. It’s a shame for everyone to get a bad rap.
Also, I really enjoyed reading the teacher perspective – it is so important for Dance Moms to step back and try to look at the other side as well. I need to work on #6 – packing her own things – that’s a big one! 🙂 Thanks again!
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Bree,
Well said! You took the words right out of my mouth!!
Merci beaucoup!
Susu and staff
Great message! As a dad of one daughter that is a competitive dancer and two daughters that do competitive all-star cheerleading I found this article insightful, helpful and well articulated!
This is an awesome list! I’m so tired of the ‘dance moms’ stereotype. Nobody asks “is it really like that’ to the other groups featured in (bad) reality TV. Do we really think every wife in Orange County behaves the way they do on the show? LOL
We ADORE our studio owner and teacher, we left our first studio after getting frustrated with the treatment we received. It was obvious it had become a numbers game to them.
This is a great insight to,our philosophy with our daughter.
Great Article!!!
Was a teacher for many many years, happy that I am not any longer. Dance Moms is embarrassing. If any parent or student behaved a portion of what these do, they would be out of my studio so fast their heads would spin for a week. That is not the way to prepare your dancer for sucess. If they do prepare like this there are setting themselves and all conected to them for failure!!!!! Abby should be put in chains and have a massive amount of duct tape put on her foul mouth!!!!!!!
Love this! We are at a studio with no mom drama and it’s delightful. But, we’ve been at studios before with lots and it’s painful. Great teachers make all the difference in the world.
Oh wow couldn’t have said it better….I love you! X
this so true! as a dance teacher and company owner i know more than anyone! the dace world is such a competitive world and i have made sure my studios are nothing like dance moms! i went to a very similar school to the one on dance moms expect my mum was probably the only parent there who didn’t intervene, demand and never cause an argument as soon as i was old enough she would drop me off outside and try as little as possible not to go into the studio to avoid all the crazy dance mums. My was always there when it counts though and she would always be the first person to offer to take a child or do a child hair, make costumes even 500 smurf hats one year and i am so glad i have so many mums like this at my dance company! im a no nonsense teacher and as of yet not an argument! dance moms really doesn’t do the dance world any justice but it is out there and i know from taking my kids across europe for competitions and events it defiantly exists all over the world
This is brilliant!!
This is an awesome article. It has a lot of information all dance teachers need to address with their parents. I will definitely share it with mine! Thank you for the great info.
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Beautifully written, insightful, and helpful! Can you tell, I love it? 🙂
[…] my last post has surpassed 100,000 views (!) I’ve decided it’s time to address the other side… What good […]
Love it!
Great advice! And if you don’t respect the owner or there is too much drama, run as fast as you can and find a new studio..it is just not worth staying in an unhealthy environment. We recently changed studios and my daughter couldn’t be happier. The owner is professional, the dancers are supportive of one another and all of the teachers are amazing. It was the best decision we ever made..our only regret is that we didn’t move sooner.
dance moms is not scripted it that is what reaaly happenes and if was a reallity show then i would not be scripted so…… and also that is the best show ever and also i can see what you mean so have a nice day
Learn how to write
What ever made you think that reality tv shows are not both scripted and heavily edited. Not every word is, but an most of it is. You are very naive to think otherwise.
Someone nelersasicy help to help with making seriously articles I might say. This is typically the first instance I just been to a web page not to mention to this point? I just amazed aided by the research most people meant to create this actual post amazing. Magnificent task!
The day touching a student to give correction became tabu is the day technical standards dropped — we now have dancers who can do acro tricks – jumpy fouettes and can’t walk or link steps —– oh to see a line !!!!
What if the child is saying the dance teacher is “an adult bully”
Decent enough comments however some dance teachers need to be more organised! Giving a dance crew a routine and changing it a free training days before a competition or not having an outfit organised in time for a competition isn’t a parent’s fault. Organisational skills MUST be an importaint factor for a teacher to take into account.
I would love to hear advice on how to address a situation where students aren’t given equal access to choreographers, studio, teachers etc.
[…] Don’t hover. Don’t immediately bail him or her out of a mistake,” says choreographer Bree Hafen “This will only help prepare them as they enter the professional […]
I run a dance studio named ‘Performing Dance Arts’ in Canada. I can relate to this stigma. Bree you have encouraged many mothers and dancer again through your article. I meet so many are tired of this ‘Dance Mom’ stereotype. If faculties start preparing their dancers in that way I really can’t say how many of them will succeed. They are definitely setting a bad example and setting everyone for failure.
I have been a dance mom for over 10 years and in regards to section 1c, I would like to ask teachers to keep your expectations about student commitment in perspective. It is okay for a dance student to get involved in other activities. They are kids and need time to explore. Set up rules, communicate them in advance, enforce them for every dancer – even the studio stars and teachers’ kids. Keep your own attitude in check. Don’t be passive aggressive and make them feel guilty because they want to pursue other interests. Conflicts arise, it does not mean that the student is not committed, lazy, has a bad attitude, it not a team player, etc. Be realistic. In the majority of cases you are aren’t teaching a room of Misty Copelands because those students leave smaller studios. Don’t apply so much pressure that it is no longer fun.
Great Post. Wonderful advice. Can’t wait to read the view from the other side.
Great post & advice. Can’t wait to read the view from the other side.
This was so great I myself am a competitive dancer and actually dance at Abby’s studio in LA (not on that team but I travel with them sometimes) and let me tell you a lot of that is scripted or like sometimes like the producers will be like look Jill why don’t you go tell Abby you have a problem with that literally all of us joke about it so much so THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR POSTING THIS ARTICLE
[…] Hafen wrote an amazing blog post called “8 Things Dance Teachers Wish They Could Tell Dance Moms”. Substitute dance for gymnastics and it is chock full of great advice for all of […]
Ok, I just watched for 5 (painful, mind you) minutes of this ridiculous show called Dance Moms on TV. Maybe out of innocent curiosity, if nothing else. Thankfully, I turned it off completely before it got really bad. God, I honestly wished I could un-see so much of it. It was pathetic to see how all these dance moms are horrifically mean beyond measure (they even curse) to each other and their children, who, by the way, are the real dancers and dance students. And, oh, if you get me started about the world’s worst dance teacher, ions of lifetimes would pass by! Who would ever allow such an awful human being be a teacher, let alone a dance teacher! She makes this most noble calling and livelihood look terrible! Those of us (I am an Indian dancer and dance teacher) who are genuine, dedicated, devoted dancers and dance teachers know keenly well that positivism and compassion are the best tools for learning, as well teaching dance. The only thing I appreciated were some impressive dance performances and choreography. Other than that, this TV show is completely unacceptable in too many ways, especially for our children and teens and daughters/sons. Just my two humble “dance” cents, if you will. @:) Sumona Apsara Parii <3
P.S: By the way, I love this article you have written. As you conveyed, dance teaching is such a blessing and privilege. All the more important it be to have a healthy, respectful and cooperative parent-teacher relationship, which will be a win-win for all involved, including their children/our students. Many Blessings to all…@;) <3
Excellent! I have been teaching for 43 years, and these could be my words!
Great summary for any art form / tutor/teacher,, FINE ART.MUSIC etc.
The human and pro. basics are beautifully stated. Regards John R.
.
PLEASE forward this to Abby Miller, please, please ,please.
As a professional ballet teacher of 30 years (with a college degree) I find the current climate of “competition” culture a recital training environment that travels, end of story. Unless you are an elite dancer training in a pre-professional capacity therefore “competing” in Youth Grand Prix etc…you are doing the art I’ve devoted my life’s work to a grave diservice.
Thank you for this article about what mothers should know about dance teachers. I think that dance teachers have a big impact on dancers’ lives and so they deserve to be treated with respect. It is good to realize that they do have personal lives as well. Another thing to consider would be remembering the teachers birthday and acknowledging it.
Insightful, thank you. I’m having a problem with my daughter’s dance school. I got a text message saying there would be a show practice from 16:15 – 16:30. SO I replied, asking if it really would only be 15 minutes. To which the teacher said yes, there would be no teaching just discussion about the show. I had to work around these 15 minutes as my oldest daughter was in the school concert, and I was watching that night. They kept the dancers for 30 minutes that day but 15. I said nothing. I got another text on Monday that there would be show practice on Monday from 17:15 – 17:45, which was fine because he class usually ends at that time, once again I had to work around her dance class because of the school concert. I also once again confirmed the end time with dance teacher. She said class ends at 17:45! So imagine my unhappiness when class ended at 18:00. Now how do I handle this, I feel she is being very disrespectful, and inconsiderate.
Hi,
I’m a dancer who is always left in the background to dance. I honestly can’t watch myself dance because it’s painful to me at least. But yet I still want a solo at dance. I am way too scared to talk to my dance teacher about this issue because I feel like I’m being selfish and egocentric. I honestly will never ask unless someone gives me enough confidence or a good enough suggestion to.
[…] 8 Things Dance Teachers Wish They Could Tell “Dance Moms” […]
[…] take a minute to read the article “8 Things Dance Teachers Wish They Could Tell ‘Dance Moms’”. You will recognize a lot of things that you either experience or think constantly when […]
Okay what do you do about a dance teacher who has favorites – those who always get the center in group dances? Calls they her little stars and yells at other kids who actually are decent dancers.
BEST ever write up well done! I am so over some of the negative energy that goes on at the studio between the parents. It makes an unpleasant place to be some times which is sad for our kids too.
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I need some advice.
My dance studio sent me a letter out of the blue, and kicked my daughter out two months before the performance. We have paid for and attended the last six months. She is in the youngest age group. And I honestly don’t know what to think. At this age group it all culminates at a recital, that is getting taken away from my daughter.
The only confrontation I have had to bring up with the teacher is my disgust with her application of communal make up on all the girls. This happened one time when I did not stay for class. I have made a point to not miss class again.
I really don’t know why she has kicked us out. Or really the best way to proceed.
Anonymous,
Not knowing your situation first hand, I am not sure what advice I am able to give… all I can suggest is asking to meet with the owner one on one and discussing why she was excused. There must be a reason, and you should be able to know what that reason is. I know many studio owners, none of which would dismiss a student for no good reason. Hopefully she would have the courtesy to help you understand why. At the end of the day, it is her business and she probably has a clause somewhere determining that she has the right to refuse service to anyone… but I seriously doubt she would turn away a paying customer without a solid reason.
Her reason was because I was observing the class. There have been so many red flags with this lady. I have been thinking about this way too much, and it all comes back to who would do this. For some reason she forbids parents from observing their child’s class. I was ultimately uncomfortable with the way she ran things and felt that I had to keep an eye on things.
Everyone I have talked too has agreed that everything sourrounding this is weird, to say the least.
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